The Last Year of My Life

The Beginning of The End

A week ago I was wrapping up another disappointing attempt at a settlement in family court. I went in to it with kind of mixed expectations, but was overall hopeful that we would make some kind of progress. My attorney and I presented our offer and waited for the judge to confer with the other side. He came back saying that not only had they rejected the offer, but that they would not be submitting a counter offer. A trial date was set for a year out and I walked out of the office with one thought hanging heavily in my mind, "As of that date, my life is over". At first, this seemed very literal to me but I pushed it out of my head and went to pick up my kids. I tried not to think about it as the kids and I went through our daily home lives. When they went back to their mother's house and then away on a weekend trip out of town, it all came crashing back. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to stop thinking about it. So I went. I wasn't sure where I was going at first. I stopped drinking a little over two years ago, but came of age in multiple communities where going to the bar was just about the only thing that happened on a night out. I went to a local music store and then decided to see what non-alcoholic options were available at the bar next door. It was a nice experience. I didn't really talk to anyone or socialize, but it was nice to sit outside in the evening air and just "be" for a little while. I ended up stopping at another place on the way home and had a non-alcoholic beer while I just enjoyed being out and being me. It's about that time that I began to realize that there was another side to the feeling that this was the last year of my life. Nothing is going to be the same. The divorce has dragged on for four years now and while I did nothing with ill intention it is clear that there are some things I misunderstood in the process, and I'll need to defend myself and my neurodivergence. The fact that this is the last year of life (at least as I know it) may be a good thing or it may be a very bad thing, but the truth is that it is inevitable. I don't want to spend that time laying on the couch, sad and losing all hope. If this is the last year of my life, I want to live it.

I journaled about it when I got home and titled the entry The Last Year of My Life and that's when inspiration hit. I decided to chronicle every day between now and then, with more than a little bit of embellishment in there to make it more interesting. This is meant to be a coping mechanism as well as a way to remind myself to get out there and live what life I have left. My bigger hope is that others may find this blog and draw some kind of comfort from it as they face their own struggles with the constant ending and beginning of new life phases. Regardless of how you ended up here, welcome to The Last Year of My Life. Thank you for sharing it with me.